And It Was Perfect, Or Was It?
by Cocolion
Summary: Which author doesn't know them? Mary Sues, those nightmarishly 'perfect' characters, horror of every well-read writer. This story mocks HP!Sue clichès, pairings, and whatnot. Enjoy!


**A/N: Hey! So I tried a Sue parody fic. I ... I am not really proud of it, but after all, it's a ****_Sue!_**** And, guys, if anything is badly writen/phrased/characterized that's not my fault (well, yeah, it is, but I did it intentionally ;)) so don't ... ****_sue_**** me.**

**In case you didn't notice:**

**THIS. IS. A. ****_PARODY_****.**

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Harry was sitting in the Great Hall and blaaah blaaah blaaah it was all overly wonderful (insert copied description from GoF/OotP). Ron and Hermione were next to him. Ron had many freckles and very red hair. Hermione had very _much_ hair, which was very bushy. Both didn't really do anything at all, but Harry wondered why he had this bemused feeling in the pit of his stomach.

"Will a perfect girl student come here, coincidentally, do you think?" he asked Hermione, not Ron, because Ron couldn't possibly know that.

"Of course not, Harry" Hermione sniffed. "That would be much too obvious. The author would never, ever use such poor foreshadowing."

"Yeah", said Harry. "You're probably right."

Dumbledore stood up. He was old and wise-looking; his half-moon spectacles making him appear wise. He looked _wisely_ around.

"Yo, kiddos!" he said. "Oops, that was the author speakin'. Anyway, welcome to Hogwarts! Before we begin with our annual Sorting Ceremony, let me introduce a student that's much too important to just get in with the first years. She's from Croatia, Greece, Australia and Finland: Caliandra Shezrona Phenodire Albana Lightbringer Malfoy Weasley Dumbledore! Gee, I wonder why she has the same last name as I have, har har!"

It went quiet as everyone held their breath. A girl drifted in; she was about the most wonderful thing on the planet. She had a petite, slender figure with long legs and curves in all the right places. Her smooth skin had a golden-brown tone that glinted in the candlelight. Her wavy, caramel-coloured hair flowed down her back like a thick, silky waterfall and her eyes – they were of such a deep, dark blue that Harry could see them sparkling even from the distance. She wore a short, soft red summer dress even though students wear ROBES FOR FUCK'S SAKE!

Nobody cared about that, though.

"She's so wonderful", Ron drooled.

Hermione hit his arm.

Harry was awestruck. He had never, ever ... seen somebody like this. The girl smiled prettily, but it looked almost shy, her cute, salmon-pink lips glittering in harmony with her gorgeous eyes.

"Dumbledore, Caliandra Shezrona Phenodire Albana Lightbringer Malfoy Weasley", the Sorting Hat said affectionately.

Caliandra, who only wanted to be called Cali because the author finds her name too long, sat onto the stool, the dress billowing out behind her. This was really defying the laws of nature, because if it's short and it billows, you'd have to see her knickers, but alas, you did not. She was too pure.

"Hm", the hat said into her ear. The story changed perspective, but HELL WHO CARES! "I see... talent, bravery. Intelligence. Honesty. Kindness. Resourcefulness. Basically you're already perfect. So, how could it be else ..."

Cali bit her lip.

"GRYFFINDOR!"

Every Gryffindor cheered: they had Cali! Oh my god, like, asdfghjkl! Everyone else was just so disappointed they couldn't hold back tears. Go cry in a corner.

Cali blushed beautifully and sunk down on a bench next to – guess who – Harry.

"Hi", said Harry breathlessly.

"Hello", whispered Cali, gazing at him with her amazing awesome super glinting blue eyes so dark they looked like the night sky with its stars. He lost himself in their depths. "I am Cali."

"We know", snapped Hermione. "Honestly, Harry, what's the matter?"

Harry didn't listen. He took Cali's small, slim hand in his and felt electricity cursing though his veins.

"I do not like Ginny", he said stupidly.

"Okay", Cali laughed, and her voice was like the soft tingling of bells. Harry was stupefied.

"I love you", Ron said.

Assuming he didn't mean Harry, both him and Hermione shouted "Ron!". Hermione stood up, yanked Ron's arm skywards and stalked away, dragging him behind her, thus having the only sane person leave.

Cali looked at Harry. Harry looked at Cali, her wonderfulness, her beauty. It was love.

Basically, it wasn't, but who the fuck cares, eh?

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**A/N: Blimey, that was short.**

**I'm not sure if this will stay one-shot or will be continued or whatever, or if I will coninue it with the same Sue in the same story ... anyway, reviews are welcome! :)**


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